Applied Knowledge

[Lysana McMillan]

With awareness must come action, or the knowledge is wasted. Knowing I am lovable, it matters more than ever that I keep close what nurtures me and set aside what hurts me. It's part of self-love to do that. Thus did I ask someone to change our relationship today to one that I can live with. I need a base-level certainty when bonds reach a certain level of intimacy. He stripped me of it. A question that needed a "no" received an "I don't know." In my experience, that's a "yes." I'm ashamed to admit I lashed out while trying to keep a civil tongue in my head, but I have yet to learn how to collect myself quickly after a rug's been pulled out from under me. I've done far worse over the years, but my rage is still something I wrestle with.

But today's conversation was calm, brief and thorough. He knew me well enough to bring up the very change I was going to request. And once it was over, the double wave of emotions hit. Relief and sadness. But not sad for the loss of him in particular. We're still friends, and I had to do what I did. The type of relationship he and I had, however, is another matter. I learned today that the words "I release you" cut deeper than I ever imagined they would. Thus with applied knowledge came more awareness.

My next move? Absorb, observe, and wait for the universe to present me my options. It always does.

[Lysana McMillan]

Yeah, the letting go is definitely hard. This time, it was made easier for me by his actions, but part of me still wants to take it all back.

[Persephone Emerald]

/me sends hugs to both of you.

In thinking of how I should respond to both of you - because you're both going through similar emotional crisis's - I'm inspired to remind you that just because someone doesn't appreciate you or isn't able to give you what you need, that doesn't mean you aren't loveable or don't both deserve respect and love. 

Maybe I'm lucky that I'm not in a romantic relationship right now, if Venus in retrograde is making them so difficult. I have platonic relationships right now in SL (and not even that in RL). One who I was attracted to only wants a platonic relationship. One who is attracted to me and dear to me, is not sexually attractive to me. I've released one who I was roleplaying with me, because I didn't want to play submissive to him. Meanwhile, my real life worries are too serious for me to be able to feel emotionally open with someone who could easily hurt my feelings. I feel like I'm waiting, like I'm supposed to be gathering strength and focus, but maybe I'm still just drifting. Am I drifting further away from shore, or is there another shore that I just can't see yet?

[Lysana McMillan]

Well, all of my other relationships are running just fine. That one I ended was likely just a mistake on my part that finally showed itself once it faced its first real test. The desire to take it all back was greatly eased by one of my other loves stepping up and demonstrating his capacities.

And it's entirely possible you're in transition. There are clearly things you need to be tending that might be interfered with by getting romantically involved. I'm remembering some advice I gave someone once about "active waiting." That's the state where you know something else is coming but you can't change its timing so you work on other things while it approaches. In other words, I suspect you're heading for a different shore. At least you have some support while you do. *hugs you*

[Persephone Emerald]

Thanks so much. I think you're right about that different shore.

[Lysana McMillan]

Yeah. A situation like mine where I have a partner but also full freedom can be hard to find. *hugs* and support to you as well, sister.

[Persephone Emerald]

Thanks, Aqua & Lysana